After the near record breaking opening weekend of X-Men 3:the Last Stand, I have no doubt in my homo sapien brain that Brett Ratner is furiously masturbating on a pile of hundred dollar bills while Jackie Chan fists him with Wolverine claws. Cash, semen and KY Jelly, this is the smell of Hollywood sucess.
X-Men 3: the Last Stand? More like I can't stand this shit. Instead of the movie being a metaphor for how oppressed gays, blacks, jews are, they've turned the flick into a typical Hollywood actioner. After noted homosexualist Bryan Singer left to do Superman, the powers that be decided to choose Wolverine cosplayer Brett Ratner to direct tge movie. Have you ever wanted to see a movie where Colin Powell leaves president, dresses up like a leather daddy and rips people apart? That's what you'll get when you see Kelsey Grammar as Hank McCoy. The more I think about it, the more Beast sounds like John Macain. Lets vote Republican in 2008.
Do you like Hugh Jackman's nipples? In X-Men 3, they're as hard as adamantium. There was a scene in the movie where my sexuality was questioned where he used his totally masculine areolas to carve Jean Grey a statue out of clay. Art sooths the dark Pheonix. Glorious Canadian art.
There's this guy called Bobby Drake in this movie. He's quite skilled at looking slightly confused. Wouldn't you be confused when your love interest who is 19 looks like she barely entered puberty? X-fans, you my masturbate without guilt when you see Kitty Pride in her leather suit. I digress. Bobboy Drake's alias is Iceman and yet he's not allowed to fly the plane. Does this make sense in the post Top Gun world. The answer is a sad shake of the head.
How gay is Ian Mackellen in the new X-flick? Not as gay as he was in X2. Although both he and Professor X argue like old lovers when they meet Jean Grey at the beginning of the movie, there's no super queer moments like him giggling like a school girl and lisping to Rogue, "I love what you've done with your hair." Bring back Fagneto.
The Juggernaut. He's unstoppable until stopped by Shadowcat. And did we need to change him from a black pimp into a lovable cockney footballer?
"Oi oi! I'm the Juggernaut, you twat! Me bollocks are so large!"
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
The circle of knives
It's 3:11 and I can't sleep thanks to the miracle of life. My dad, feeling his biological clock ticking for the fourth time has decided to birth chickens again. This is how the process works. You get a bunch of fertilized eggs from the coop, this time, forty, put them in an incubator, monitor the temperature and wait for nature to work its magic. The downside is that incubators are cold mercless machines, cold merciless machines incapable of love. This lack of love is responsible for killing off many an egg. Out of the batch of 40 eggs, only 16 of them developed into fetuses, or whatever you call half formed chicks. The rest: breakfast.
Have you ever made eggs and toast and had a little bit of blood in your egg? Imagine doing that, but cracking the egg and having a dead psuedo chicken come out. IT's the best of both worlds, really. You get the runny flavour of an egg plus the delicious texture of a chicken. Advantage of these chickens: small bones! You just bite into their small bodies with a satisfying crunch. Also: the eyes aren't fully formed, so you don't have to pull them out. Bonus: chickenbrains! Oh yeah!
But I digress. Just like most men, the little pecker is up bright and early. Right now I can hear it's amazing struggle trying to break it's way out of the egg. Its kempf has been going on since 10 last night and I wouldn't be suprised it it continues until 10 this morning. But my sleep, like Andy Serkis' cock ring, is precious and I need it as a porn star needs it. Why can't chickens be scientologists? For the love that is all thetan, why?
Have you ever made eggs and toast and had a little bit of blood in your egg? Imagine doing that, but cracking the egg and having a dead psuedo chicken come out. IT's the best of both worlds, really. You get the runny flavour of an egg plus the delicious texture of a chicken. Advantage of these chickens: small bones! You just bite into their small bodies with a satisfying crunch. Also: the eyes aren't fully formed, so you don't have to pull them out. Bonus: chickenbrains! Oh yeah!
But I digress. Just like most men, the little pecker is up bright and early. Right now I can hear it's amazing struggle trying to break it's way out of the egg. Its kempf has been going on since 10 last night and I wouldn't be suprised it it continues until 10 this morning. But my sleep, like Andy Serkis' cock ring, is precious and I need it as a porn star needs it. Why can't chickens be scientologists? For the love that is all thetan, why?
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Da Vinci Load of Shit
My brother Simon and his Itallian girlfriend, Illainia, both ardent Catholics are going to join with the local chapter of the Catholic League to protest the premier of the DaVinci Code this evening. The Catholic Church is worried that the message of the film with create more instability within the church and its followers. Being a Catholic, I'm privy to some of the reasons why we should avoid the film on theocratic grounds.
-The film postulates that Da Vinci would ejaculate into his inks and used the tainted art material to create his finest works. Many men who see DaVinci's works, such as the Mona Lisa have felt compelled to engage in various homosexual acts because of this. No doubt a method for Da Vinci to create more homosexualists.
-Acording to the film and the book, if you move up up, then down down then left right, left right, then hit the B Button and then the A button before pressing start, you'll be granted 30 lives. This is in direct contrast witht the Catholic Church that says that we have only one life and can "continue" into the next through acceptance of Jesus Christ, our savior, who died on the cross for our sins.
-The film suggests that the earth rotates around the sun. This is preposterous. The truth is that the sun and the stars revolve around the earth. Another scientific note is that lava comes from hell and that eruptions happen when there's an overcrowding in Hell. AFter the release of the book, there has been more eruptions than ever recorded in human history. It's quite possible that the release of the film might cause the Rockies to return to their volcanic state in the next 30 years as viewers of the film begin to die off.
-The film postulates that Da Vinci would ejaculate into his inks and used the tainted art material to create his finest works. Many men who see DaVinci's works, such as the Mona Lisa have felt compelled to engage in various homosexual acts because of this. No doubt a method for Da Vinci to create more homosexualists.
-Acording to the film and the book, if you move up up, then down down then left right, left right, then hit the B Button and then the A button before pressing start, you'll be granted 30 lives. This is in direct contrast witht the Catholic Church that says that we have only one life and can "continue" into the next through acceptance of Jesus Christ, our savior, who died on the cross for our sins.
-The film suggests that the earth rotates around the sun. This is preposterous. The truth is that the sun and the stars revolve around the earth. Another scientific note is that lava comes from hell and that eruptions happen when there's an overcrowding in Hell. AFter the release of the book, there has been more eruptions than ever recorded in human history. It's quite possible that the release of the film might cause the Rockies to return to their volcanic state in the next 30 years as viewers of the film begin to die off.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Mighty Joe Young
I've been sent to the bush with the brothers Gladyz for the last three weeks. Tim every day; Joesph, Mondays
Wednesdays and Fridays. Sweating's not bad, my face drips with filth like an ugly icecream cone by the end of the
day. When Joe Gladyz sweats, he smells like old fruit and oil. It's rancid. He doesn't expire liquid, he expells
muck. Tim takes it in stride and so, in the efforts on making our well lubricated work machine run smooth, I've
ignored Joe's problem. That's until he stopped going to work. his brother Tim told me that Joe's been progressively getting worse. For the last couple of weeks, his stomach has started to bloat, distending
to strange proportions. The way that he describes it, when he's naked, Joe looks like a starving African child, except, you know, white. Joe went to the hospital earlier and it turns out that there was a hole in his stomach. That bloating and the smell were caused, from what I understand, from rotting food stuck in the area between the food sack and his skin. The situation is so dire that he's going to have to get a stomache transplant, an incredibly rare procedure. Tim and I have been crossing our fingers for a fatality in the next couple of days so that Joe can get back into the work force. Failing that, Joe'll have to be sent off to Calgary where U of C students have been working on transplanting cow stomaches to human ones. No one is sure if the operation will be sucessfull, but you have to try somewhere. Willful ignorance only gets you so far
Wednesdays and Fridays. Sweating's not bad, my face drips with filth like an ugly icecream cone by the end of the
day. When Joe Gladyz sweats, he smells like old fruit and oil. It's rancid. He doesn't expire liquid, he expells
muck. Tim takes it in stride and so, in the efforts on making our well lubricated work machine run smooth, I've
ignored Joe's problem. That's until he stopped going to work. his brother Tim told me that Joe's been progressively getting worse. For the last couple of weeks, his stomach has started to bloat, distending
to strange proportions. The way that he describes it, when he's naked, Joe looks like a starving African child, except, you know, white. Joe went to the hospital earlier and it turns out that there was a hole in his stomach. That bloating and the smell were caused, from what I understand, from rotting food stuck in the area between the food sack and his skin. The situation is so dire that he's going to have to get a stomache transplant, an incredibly rare procedure. Tim and I have been crossing our fingers for a fatality in the next couple of days so that Joe can get back into the work force. Failing that, Joe'll have to be sent off to Calgary where U of C students have been working on transplanting cow stomaches to human ones. No one is sure if the operation will be sucessfull, but you have to try somewhere. Willful ignorance only gets you so far
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Google notebook
When I first heard about Google Notebook, everyone speculated that it would be google's answer to del.icio.us albeit with a quicker search function. With the program's release yesterday, I found out that assesment is partially true. Like del.icio.us, you can bookmark pages and allow them to be searched online using user made taxonomies (bet you haven't heard that word thrown around that often. Horrah for Web 2.0 and New Slang), however it lacks the non-hierarcal structure of classifiying info, or in del.cio.us' case, tags which makes del.icio.us so appealing. I find google's decision not to do that to be a tad boggling since gmail's label system is so useful. On the other hand, google notebook is much more friendly when it comes to reseach. Notebook allows you to add tremendous amounts of notes to a topic that you're working on without having to link the information to a website. Also, notebook allows you to add a much larger description of the site, or note, than del.cio.us. I find del.icio.us to be pretty limited because often I find that I want just a snippet of the website quoted in the description field and it's often too large and gets cut off. Notebook allows you to bookmark images and shows them when you go to your notebook's page, something that I wish that del.icious would do. If google allows the ability to add multiple tags to each website as well storing the page's website, like Furl does, it'll be a del.icio.us killer. Until then, I'll be using del.icio.us for bookmarking and most likely be using notebook for heavy research.
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